Question:
I have young children, and sometimes I feel very burned out. How can I experience more joy
in my parenting?
Answer:
Hashem should give you a lot of Koach! Being a mother is physically and emotionally draining. What makes it so much harder is when you create your own internal pressure. When you have a lot of expectations of yourself, when you’re focused on perfection, parenting is a heavy burden to carry. You may have a picture in your mind of how everything is supposed to be. If you expect yourself to always be warm and loving, for your children to always be well behaved, to be well dressed, to clean up after themselves, for your house to be neat and tidy, and to have wholesome healthy suppers on time, parenting will feel like one long losing battle. Your children absorb your feelings about being a mother. If you love to be a mother and are so happy to be there for them, they will feel that positive energy. If you feel threatened by them, they will feel as though their source of support is crumbling.
Those feelings will breed insecurity, and fear and will cause them to misbehave even more. Your feelings about being a mother will contribute to their emotional well-being. Reb Yaakovson in his book, “Spare the child”, amongst many other Sefarim, talk about how our goal as parents is not to train our children for the present moment. Chinuch is about training our children to do what Hashem wants after bar/bas mitzva, when they are Mekabel Ol Malachus Shamayim. You don’t have to worry about their behavior in the present moment. You need to let go of expectations and guide them with positivity without letting their current behaviors concern you. Chinuch is about offering guidance over and over again without any negative emotions. (As in saying for the umpteenth time, “Sweetie, please put away your coat”.) When you get rid of the images in your mind of what you think should be, and you start accepting yourself and accepting your children exactly as they are, then you can relax and truly enjoy the priceless job of being a mother.