Question:
We went away to my husband’s family for Shabbos Chanuka and I did not feel like my husband was there for me emotionally. How do I handle it when my husband is not there for me?
Answer:
It’s natural and normal to depend on your husband for emotional support. It’s lonely when your husband can’t give you what you need emotionally. Sometimes it’s a short-term situation where your husband is unavailable due to illness, work, being too busy or distracted with a Simcha, Yom tov, and family, etc. Other times it’s more of a chronic long-term situation in which a husband is limited in his ability to give emotional support. When it is a temporary situation, think of your relationship like a rubber band. If you let him take the space that he needs, he will come back to you hard and fast, just like when you pull or stretch a rubber band and let go, it comes right back to you fast and hard.
Every relationship needs disconnection time, time to take space from each other. Hakodesh Boruch Hu even wove this concept into the fabric of our marriages with our monthly cycle. It’s completely normal! There is often one spouse that needs space more than the other. The stereotypical masculine husband needs more space than his wife. What do you do when you can’t get support from your husband? You have to use resources outside of your relationship. It’s extremely important to have a support system, people in your life, that you enjoy talking to, that make you feel loved and understood, and that are there for you. If you have good friends and family that you feel close to, when your husband is unavailable, that’s the time you should seek out their attention. If you have a limited support system, a therapist or a coach can be very helpful in supporting you emotionally.
In your specific situation in which you don’t feel supported specifically by your husband’s family, it’s important you plan ahead for next time. Can you plan activities to do with your husband while you are there? How about taking a walk on Shabbos or going out to eat, just you and him? Planning ahead can help you avoid feeling alone. It’s important you make sure to plan activities in which you can connect to each other amid the distractions of family time. It’s vital that you always plan time together, on a daily basis, to give the marriage attention and to rejuvenate your connection. Even 20 minutes a day without distractions can be life-saving for a marriage. There will be times that either you or your husband need space, respect that need for space, fill yourself up with resources you have outside your relationship, and don’t forget to plan time for your marriage. A full marriage bank account can handle some space!