Question:
My four year old is not listening to me. I feel like when I talk it doesn’t mean anything to him. I’m finding myself annoyed at him a lot, and I’m sad about it.
Answer:
We all imagine ourselves loving and enjoying our children. It’s so painful when a child’s behavior makes it hard to love him. Your sad because you want to have positive feelings towards your 4 year old, but you are really struggling because he’s always challenging you. Many of us have expectations that when we talk our children should listen. I have a secret to tell you, children are not wired to listen! From as early as 1 years old, they are trying to assert their authority. A human is a “bocher”, someone who wants to make choices. You, as your child’s mother, has an agenda that is exactly opposite his agenda. He wants to choose and you want to choose. Your are both normal! He needs to learn that your choice triumphs! He has to be conditioned to listen and take authority.
How do you condition a young child to take authority? Reb Yaakovson talks about giving young children a tangible response not a verbal one, using touch to help guide young children to do what they need to do. We should not have an expectation that our little children will listen to us. When we want them to do something we need to physically pick them up and make them do what they need to do. Let’s say, you tell your 4 year old that he needs to go into the bath and he is refusing. What should your do? You should physically pick the child up and put him into the bath. Let’s say, you instruct a child to pick up his coat and he is not listening. What should you do? You should take the child by the hand and make that little hand pick up the coat, hand over hand.
The key is that while you are giving him a tangible response, you need to be calm and relaxed. The child should not feel that you are angry or upset. The child may be kicking and screaming while you are making him do what he needs to do. You want to ignore his behavior and calmly tell the child what has to happen. Let’s say he is struggling as you are putting him in the bath. You can say, “you really want to play some more, you don’t want to go into a bath now, but mommy says it’s bath time so you are going into the bath etc.” A few years of tangible discipline and iyh your children will be conditioned to listen. They will have gained a skill that will in the future help them be Mekabel Ol Malchus Shamayim.