Lots of times, women feel alone when trying to improve the connection in their marriages. But does it take two to tango or does a woman truly have the power to improve a marriage all on her own? I spoke with popular marriage coach Chaya Juravel to learn the secret powers women can have when relating to their husbands.
By Victoria Dwek
Victoria: Hi Chaya. So I’ve heard that your approach, when helping women improve their marriages, is to empower the women. That even if they think the problem is their spouse, that by changing themselves it will change the situation.
How does that work?
Chaya: When you become happy with who you are, who your children are, and who your husband is, you learn to be happy with the challenges Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave you and to make the best of your life. When a woman learns how to be her best self, and she learns the important skills that are needed in a relationship, she can impact the relationship.
Victoria: Even if the husband doesn’t “sign up?”
Chaya: In great relationships, you have a husband and wife using these skills naturally. In other couples with good relationships, one of them would initially have these skills and often the other spouse takes the model provided by the
spouse with better relationship skills. In bad relationships, both have bad skills. But it’s fine if it’s only one spouse with the skills thats needed. Many times women are better at it than men. A very masculine male is not going to have a high emotional quotient. They’re very intellectual but less in touch with emotion. Women are more in touch with emotion and understand people better.
Victoria: What are these skills that we need to have?
Chaya: First of all, I was trained by Laura Doyle and she coined all these skills, although I’m more flexible in adapting them. First, you need to own your happiness. Did your husband forget your birthday? Ask him to go out with you. Recognize that you have a need to celebrate your birthday and spend time with your husband, and you don’t have to sit and wait around. You can initiate. Maybe he was just very busy or has different reasons for forgetting. Maybe he never celebrated birthdays growing up and it’s not a big deal to him. When a woman owns her own happiness, she is intune to her feelings and she knows what she
wants. When she initiates, he learns what she likes and how to make her happy. She’s giving him that information.
Victoria: Which he wants anyway, right?
Chaya: Yes. How you treat yourself shows him how to treat you. So figure out: what do I need to be happy? A lot of women want their husbands to be mind readers or the one that initiates. That might come later in a great marriage when he’s very in tune to you and takes more interest. First you need to love yourself, before he can love you or you can love anyone else.
Victoria: So every person has the power to make themselves happy, and it’s independent of outside circumstances. It sounds very much in tune with Jewish ideals of being sameach b’chelko.
Chaya: We can actively do whatever it takes! Make friends, pursue hobbies. One of the things that I stress is the importance of self care. Do things for yourself. Fill up your emotional and physical self. Many ladies don’t know what they want. They
never consider themselves, then they get resentful.
Victoria: Do you have an example?
Chaya: Let’s they your husband says he wants to take a walk with you. She doesn’t realize she’s exhausted, her legs hurt, and she’s in her first trimester. She thinks, ‘I’m a good wife, so I’m going to go on the walk.’ But she’s not in touch with herself, she doesn’t own her happiness. And while she’s walking, she’s getting angry and resentful thinking, ‘Why is he making me do this?’ So then they start fighting while they’re walking. But he just wants to make you happy and spend time with you. If she knows how she feels, she could receive it graciously and say something like, ‘I would love to, but I much prefer a drive because my feet are hurting me.’ Then they could be happy. This happens all the time. Women don’t know what they want, so they make decisions that don’t serve them and it hurts the relationship.
Victoria: How do you implement this concept on a regular night? I’d imagine that most women who come to you don’t have husbands who are making overtures to spend time with them.
Chaya: A lot of women feel guilty when sitting to read a book when there’s laundry to do and supper to clean up. But there’s no reason to feel guilty. If you want a night off, take it. No one will gain if you don’t. When you pamper yourself, you will have more energy and feel better. You’ll feel happier giving to others when you feel full yourself. A lot of women take care of the needs of husband and children and neglect themselves.
Victoria: It’s true. We take our role of caring for everyone else very seriously.
What to Be Thankful For
Victoria: What are some of the other skills?
Chaya: Receiving graciously is another skill, saying thank you for everything he does for you. In marriage, your husband will have certain weaknesses. A lot of times, his ‘love language’ is not your language. You love words of affirmation and he doesn’t know how to give it. You love gifts and he doesn’t see the need.
Once you receive graciously, over time, he will get better at his areas of weakness. When you don’t receive graciously, he has no opportunity to learn and grow in that area. You appreciate him for who he is, and accept what he has to give you, then he has the emotional strength to try to improve in other areas, and there’s a greater possibility at becoming better at your ‘love language.’
Victoria: I’ve heard of the term, but what is a love language?
Chaya: We all have specific ways that we like to give and receive love; that’s our language. He might love acts of service and is always doing acts of service. In contrast, you love when he says nice things. When you’re receiving graciously what he’s giving and recognizing it as love, even if it’s not the way you want it, there’s a better chance he’ll get better at giving you love the way you like it. When you give him respect and accept him, he feels better about himself. When he feels good as your husband he will want to make you happy and what you like will become important to him.
Victoria: What if a woman feels she’s doing all these things, and she doesn’t see him changing. Does she need to change expectations to be happy?
Chaya: Its rare for a man not to change when using the skills and techniques I teach. Yes sometimes she has to change her expectations. Women in general have very idealistic images in their heads of how husbands should be. The image you may have in your mind may be unrealistic because you are comparing him to someone who you never lived with. No one really sees the whole picture. It’s not healthy and not helpful because whatever Hashem gives you is what you need. If Hashem gave this to you, then this is what you need to be happy. Trying to tell yourself something else will give you heartache. Receiving graciously is also about receiving graciously from Hashem and being happy with what He gave us. There are so many messages out there telling women, ‘You shouldn’t have to live with this or experience that. It’s not normal or it’s not healthy or it’s not regular.’ People will always have limitations or issues. Our struggles help us grow and become the best people we can be. I’m a big believer in happy marriages, not healthy marriages. Everyone has unhealthy parts to them. If your husband is sensitive to criticism, criticism in your relationship will be toxic, if doesn’t matter if that’s a not healthy aspect of him. Reality is not fact. Reality is made up of how you respond to fact. Two people can go through the same facts. One is happy and enjoying life. The other is miserable and feels victimized. A lot of people are happy and it’s not because everything is perfect. Everything you feel is a story in your head. Change the script. Change the story and that will change how you feel.
Victoria: What’s an example of changing a story?
Chaya: One lady was upset at her husband because she thought he was irresponsible. I told her to look for evidence that her husband is responsible. For example, he keeps a job. No one is never or always responsible. You get to choose what you want to see. Today she told me, ‘My reality was totally what I was telling myself. It’s amazing how I’m learning to love him so much because I changed what I was thinking. Some men really struggle with being punctual, with time. It doesn’t means they are irresponsible, its just one of his challenges. We all have areas we want to improve.
Victoria: So many women take it personal when their husbands are not timely.
Chaya: And it’s not personal. If he comes home late, it’s not because he doesn’t care. He does care; he’s not only late for you, he finds it difficult to be on time for everyone. He loves to schmooze, and it has nothing to do with you.
Victoria: What if a woman has a valid aspiration? Why would she need to be accepting? Let’s say she wants her husband to be a better father.
Chaya: It’s reasonable, but it’s how you go about it. If you try to change him and criticize him, it doesn’t help someone become their best self. When a man doesn’t feel good about himself, he won’t be a good husband or father. Everyone wants their husbands to improve. When people ask, ‘What can you do to change him?’ The answer that people don’t want to hear is, ‘Nothing.’ You can’t change someone. They have to want to change themselves.
Victoria: But what does ‘nothing’ mean? Obviously, there’s something we can do, even if it’s not actively trying to change someone.
Chaya: If a wife tries to control her husband and tells him to stop, it creates more negativity inside of him, even if he knows you’re right. Control and connection are opposites. Being controlled creates resentment and negativity. What happens when he has so much negativity? He goes straight to bad habits to make him feel better. When we do control our husbands, we can push our husbands closer to their bad habits. If your husband would tell you to watch your weight, would you appreciate that. No one appreciates being controlled. It doesn’t help us be our best self.
Victoria: So what do you do?
Chaya: There’s a famous Rambam that says, “And so it’s commanded to a wife, she should honor or respect her husband a lot. So she should revere him. She should do everything he wants. In her eyes he should be like a sar or melech, she should make important to her whatever he likes. And distance herself from everything he doesn’t like. This is the way of Bnei Yisrael who are holy and pure in their relationships. In these ways there will be a beautiful dwelling.” That’s what we should do. Do things in ways that are respectful and dignified. Let’s say he uses a lot of anger. Don’t criticize the anger. Find times when he reacts calmly and say, ‘You’re being really calm lately. I can really depend on you.’ If he’s always late, the time that he’s not you’d say, ‘I love that you came on time.’ If a husband smokes and a woman hates it, look for times that he’s making healthy choices and say, ‘I admire that your health conscious. What we think of him and of ourselves will become what he feels. If you expect him to fail, he will feel like a failure and its more likely that he will fail. Kallah teachers tell girls, ‘Don’t tell him you’re fat because then he’ll think it.’ whatever you think about yourself and the relationship he may think that too.
Victoria: Let’s discuss a specific example. He’s being overly harsh and expressing anger with the kids. This is something you feel hurts them and you want him to change. How should a woman handle that?
Chaya: You still need to support him and show him respect. Respecting doesn’t mean agreeing. When you stay out of it, your husband will more likely be accountable for bad parenting moments. When he’s not criticized, he’ll own up to it and try to be better. He won’t have the emotional energy to improve or be accountable if you’re disrespectful to him in front of the kids.
Victoria: But doesn’t a mother need to validate and comfort the child in that situation?
Chaya: You can effectively help the child process what happened. “Your father loves you very much. He was really upset that you came out of bed and that’s why he smacked you. He just wants you to sleep well so you can learn well. You have to listen to your father thats Kibbud Av. if the child recognizes that his father over reacted you can help him see that its not about him that your husband was just very tired and that’s why he reacted that way; you also don’t act your best when you are tired. Sometimes adults aren’t at their best, just like kids.” Helping a child process what happened strengthens the bond with the father and teaches Kibud Av V’em. Everything can be addressed with respect and dignity without hurting either of you.
Victoria: Is there a generational difference today in the expectations that Kallahs have? What are they doing wrong?
Chaya: Today’s girls want to appear smart and sophisticated, they don’t want to need their husbands. They don’t know how to be vulnerable. Lots of girls don’t know how to be soft. They want to be strong and efficient. They are also practical. Being right, efficient and practical doesn’t get you what you want in relationship. They may not understand what a relationship looks like. A relationship is two people who need each other and figure out how to fill each others need without loosing themselves in the process. Love is work. its not what the goyim make us believe.
Victoria: What if there’s mental illness?
Chaya: Couples can be helped even if there’s mental illness? Yes. When a woman is willing to take responsibility for herself and change the dynamics by becoming her best self then often the man will rise to meet his wife’s sustained change. I have seen husbands that were diagnosed with mental illness or personality disorders change. Personality disorders are not diagnosed with a blood test. When a person comes to a mental health professional and is in a bad marriage, he is in a terrible place emotionally and will be given a mental health diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that he will have that diagnosis forever. I have seen miracles in which husbands have “recovered” or improved when given the respect, acceptance and love they need. Yes I believe a lady can find happiness in her relationship despite a diagnosis. Of course there are situations that are not fixable in which a spouse is severely mentally ill and if after trying this approach the situation does not improve, then divorce may be the right option. I see this as the very rare case.