Question:
I’m very lonely in my relationship. When I talk to my husband he’s often quiet or offers me suggestions. I’m always disappointed. He doesn’t know how to be there for me. Is there anything I can do?
Answer:
When a bochur gets married he is generally not skilled at having an emotional relationship. He may be a great chavrusa or business partner, but having an emotional relationship is new for him. Girls on the other hand connect more easily on an emotional level. They have close relationships with sisters and friends. Generally, it’s less socially appropriate for boys to connect on that level. Having a deep emotional connection with a girl can be foreign to him. Often the more difficult or unpleasant something is for you, the more you avoid that task. When you use criticism and control to try to get him to say and do the right things, he will be less motivated to try to support you emotionally and may even shut down.
The first step to getting more emotional support is to think about what he does for you. No husband can provide for all his wife’s needs. Thank Hashem for whatever your husband can provide for you. Make your husband feel successful for what he is already doing for you. Show him through your actions and words your appreciation. Once he is already appreciated and feels successful as a husband, it’s much more likely that he will grow in his ability to support you emotionally. When you are emotionally needy your emotions may overwhelm him. He also may not feel confident in his ability to support you emotionally. He needs you to break it down for him and tell him clearly what you need him to do for you to feel supported. You want proximity (you want him to be physically close to you), you want eye contact, you want him to listen to you, you want him to verbalize that he cares about you and your feelings. Notice what he’s already doing, and thank him or appreciate him for it, as in,” I love that you are listening to me.” Tell him what you want to experience in a kind and vulnerable way as in, “It would mean so much to me,” or “this would make me happy”. The important thing is to verbally appreciate any attempt he makes to be there for you even if he is minimally successful. If you don’t get upset at him for trying and you are encouraging, with time he will feel more confident in his ability to be there for you and your emotional connection will iyh get stronger and stronger!