Question:
I want my sister and her family to come for Shabbos Chanuka and my husband doesn’t want them to come. I don’t want to be alone Shabbos Chanuka. What should I do?
Answer:
You have a very valid need to spend Shabbos Chanuka with family. It’s important your emotional well-being to take your needs seriously, and do your Hishtadlus to try to spend Shabbos Chanuka with family or friends. You say that you want your sister to come with her family. It’s so disappointing that your husband doesn’t want what you want. We all know the famous chazal “isha keshaira oseh ratzon bala”, loosely translated as,”a righteous woman does what her husband wants.” Before you can be a wife you need to be a healthy person. Only once you give yourself what you need can you be a wife and then do what your husband wants.
It’s possible that being alone Shabbos Chanuka may put you into a state of emotional distress. If that’s the case you can’t be a good wife unless you help yourself be a healthy person. It’s important you use some persistence to get what you need from your husband. You want to try to have a conversation with respect. Respect means trying to understand your husband and caring about his feelings. When your husband feels understood and that you care about his needs, it’s much more likely that he will try to make you happy and even stretch for you when it’s hard for him.
Firstly, make sure you are calm and content when you are having this conversation. When you bring up the topic, listen to him, let him tell you all the reasons he doesn’t want your sister to come. Listen without talking. Give him validation (eg. your feelings make sense/ you are entitled to your point of view etc.). Give him empathy (eg. A lot of noise is really hard for you, or it’s overwhelming for you etc.). Explore his feelings with him. Complimenting him (eg. You are such a hardworking person.) Can really help to create a culture of love and friendship in the conversation. When he feels really respected, his defenses are down, and it’s much more likely that he will be able to hear you. After you explore his point of view, you share your own point of view and your own feelings and desires regarding your sister coming.
You may not get the response you want from him. Don’t panic! Sometimes it takes a few respectful conversations for him to agree with what you want. Often he needs time to process your request, to think about how to go about getting his needs met while also making you happy. If he doesn’t agree then this is your Nisayon from Hashem. Is there a second-best option? Is there someone your husband is happy to spend Shabbos Chanuka with? Does he have other ideas for you about how you can enjoy this special time with family? It’s hard not to get what we want but Hashem knows what’s best for us. Have a Lichtige Chanuka!