March 6th, 2018
Thanks for a great magazine.
I read with interest the article by Chaya Jurvel and its follow-up. I felt that there were some nuances in the original article that are in danger of being misinterpreted. Mrs. Jurvel writes “I believe in happy marriages, not healthy marriages”. When A couple gets married they share one goal-to build a place where the shechina can manifest itself. This can only be accomplished if there is peace between them. thus in essence they share a sacred account which must be kept healthy and in the black.Although there are times that communicating your needs is in place, very often when a spouse does a reprieved injustice, by communicating your needs, you risk making a second withdrawal from that account. For example, a husband comments on the mess when he comes home.You can either excuse yourself( communicate your needs by explaining you were very tired ) or fulfill his ( He likes a clean house – work that out for him as much as possible). Obviously you cannot neglect your own needs, but the women with fewer needs is blessed.
I have also found, that more powerful then a woman owing her own happiness is her power of influece. Its not so unusual for a husband to say something his wife finds insulting. (If he comes into marriage rough around the edges, or a bit clueless it doesn’t mean he is a nasty unwell person)sometimes, by not responding, and never doing the same (gimilasru tov vi’lo ra) she can set the standard that in this house we don’t talk/do things like that. Only after putting in the work can we hope hope for happiness- the byproduct of doing the right thing.
A fellow reader
Dear reader,
I read with interest the article by Chaya Jurvel and its follow-up. I felt that there were some nuances in the original article that are in danger of being misinterpreted. Mrs. Jurvel writes “I believe in happy marriages, not healthy marriages”. When A couple gets married they share one goal-to build a place where the shechina can manifest itself. This can only be accomplished if there is peace between them. thus in essence they share a sacred account which must be kept healthy and in the black.”
I hear that you feel there is danger to what I said, when I said that “I believe in happy marriages, not healthy marriages”.
If you were to take the Go4Harmony Teleconference you will discover an amazing group of women who are learning to accept themselves, accept their husbands and their situations, and thats when you can achieve real happiness.
Many of us have unhealthy parts to us, many of our husbands have unhealthy parts to them. What does a healthy marriage mean? Who defines health and who defines whats normal? If your focus is on meeting each others needs and giving yourself what you need to be happy and giving the relationship what it needs to be happy, despite the fact that you are two imperfect people thats a happy relationship.
In an age where we have so much information about everything, there are books written about every topic, normal and healthy have taken on very narrow definitions. People are easily classified as unhealthy and not normal as evident by how many children and people have or are speculated to have mental health diagnosies. Most women who come to me have labels for their spouses or can describe how not normal their spouses are. Ofcourse the labels and descriptions may be valid. What happens when a spouse really is unhealthy, does that mean you cant have a happy marriage? By focusing on our husbands weaknesses that becomes what we see. What you focus on increases. You may lose out on appreciating him as a person, seeing his strengths and inspiring his best when you are so focused on his weaknesses, on his label or diagnosis.
By changing your focus to having a happy marriage you open the doors to acceptance and true love, the ability to see the good in your husband which in turn creates respect in the relationship and a happy marriage can be created. The danger of labels are that they keep a person stuck they can never out grow their label if thats what a spouse is always looking for.
With our limitations and despite our limitations we can create happy marriages.A loving happy marriage of two imperfect human beings is healthy. And research shows that having good relationships really contributes to longitivity + health.
Here is a letter I received from a participant of the Go4Harmony Teleconference.
I’m married 15 years. My husband suffers from high levels of ………that affects almost every aspect of our life. I was trying for years to convince him to go to therapy, change…take medication…withzero success… Only piles of resentment of how he’s ruining my life & kids. I’m so grateful to Hashem that He led me to chaya! It’s a year now since i started working with her & my husband is improving in the most unbelievable ways! He even started going to therapy… Life looks so much more glorious now BH….
This is from a women who worked very hard on her relationship and found happiness in her relationship despite his weakness. Her acceptance of her husband and her love is helping him become his best self.
Although there are times that communicating your needs is in place, very often when a spouse does a reprieved injustice, by communicating your needs, you risk making a second withdrawal from that account. For example, a husband comments on the mess when he comes home.You can either excuse yourself( communicate your needs by explaining you were very tired ) or fulfill his ( He likes a clean house – work that out for him as much as possible). Obviously you cannot neglect your own needs, but the women with fewer needs is blessed.
In the Go4Harmony Teleconference you learn to communicate respectfully in a way that doesnt make a withdrawal from the bank account. In this situation by explaining your needs, i am tired…you are actually defending yourself which is not going to serve your relationship. You can learn how to react in a way that is showing your husband respect and when he feels your respect he is much more likely to hear and understand you.
I have also found, that more powerful then a woman owing her own happiness is her power of influece. Its not so unusual for a husband to say something his wife finds insulting. (If he comes into marriage rough around the edges, or a bit clueless it doesn’t mean he is a nasty unwell person)sometimes, by not responding, and never doing the same (gimilasru tov vi’lo ra) she can set the standard that in this house we don’t talk/do things like that. Only after putting in the work can we hope hope for happiness- the byproduct of doing the right thing.
I agree that we have incredible influence on our husbands. I teach you skills to influence him in a way that inspires his best. My approach is very safe and takes into account both the needs and happiness of both spouses. The Go4Harmony Teleconference will help a wife find harmony within herself and within her home as you eloquently describe, to share one goal-to build a place where the shechina can manifest itself.
Hatzlacha!
Chaya