Empower | Written by Malya Simon
Power struggles with children seem to crop up out of nowhere. A mundane conversation with a child
can suddenly morph into something more fierce. It’s mother and child, each vying for the right of way.
Who wins?
We yearn to teach our children how to lead successful lives as Yidden. We want them to discern right
from wrong, have pleasant personalities and be upstanding, giving individual amongst the community.
So we guide them in those areas, and share with them how to go about achieving these goals.
But the impediments are strong. The child has other ideas, the child is lazy, or simply pre-occupied. How
should a parent deal with these snags? How should one react in a way that maintains a stance, while
addressing the child’s seemingly incorrect behavior?
Mrs. Chaya Juravel, sought-after marriage and parenting coach, based in the South Fallsburg
community, shares her research-based methodology on maintaining effective interactions with our
children.
Ma Rubin plans a bake-off with her three girls one fine Sunday morning. Chani, eleven-years-old, flings
her pony just off her shoulder and with a grim face says, “I want to cook a soup.”
We mothers have to give over to our children: Brush your teeth. Don’t forget to bentch. Shoes away. Coat in the closet.
Sounds like a lot of rules, but this is our job as mothers, right? Well…yes.
But, our children may have minds of their own, plans of their own, and moods of their own that don’t seem to go along with our ideas.
How can we share guidance to our children in a softer, more gentle way?
There is a famous story of the Brisker Rav that enlightens us on this quandary. The Brisker Rav was attending an important meeting with the gedolim of his time. During the meeting, a small child repeatedly climbed up onto the table and was disturbing the proceedings. Each time the child made his appearance, the Rav remained silent, and gently removed the child off the table. When questioned why he did not admonish the child, the Rav responded, “Do you think he will be walking to his chuppah with this behavior?”
The Brisker Rav was teaching that we should guide children, with an eye on the future. Negative or unseemly behaviors will subside with age. Therefore, it’s our duty to gently guide the child to do what’s right – unemotionally and calmly.
So, in our first scenario, when Ma Rubin wants to bake, and Chani wants to cook the soup, mother may be disappointed that her daughter can’t go along with the original plan. Instead of being upset at Chani’s attitude and telling her off, all she has to do is state firmly and calmly, “This is what we have ingredients for, so we’ll be baking today.”
It’s quite challenging to remain unemotional when dealing with our kids. After all, our children trigger our emotions. Our antennas are fully perked up when we are parenting. Our children are our future.
Yet, it is our sacred task to parent with calm and pleasantness. We must suppress the “What is he thinking?”, “Does she realize how this will end?” and “How can she say that”?.
Instead, remember that a tranquil atmosphere is an effective atmosphere when it comes to parenting. Let the exclamation points and fiery verbs fall to the side and watch the magic as your children tune in to what you are trying to convey.
In a practical sense, simply state your rules. Wait for the child to oblige. If they do not, refer back to that said rule. This teaches the child that the rule remains, regardless if they oblige or not. Remain calm, remain pleasant and maintain your emotional equilibrium.
Ma: It’s bedtime.
Leah: But I’m in middle of the chapter.
Ma: Sweetheart, you know the rule, nine oclock is when we get ready for bed.
Rav Yechiel Yaakovson, renowned author of Spare the Child, is an undisputed chinuch leader in today’s day. He refers to this concept as ‘Chinuch with Persistence’.
Rav Yaakovson shares that this method will allow for greater positivity in the home because the negative vibes of power struggles and disputes won’t be dominating. Rather, you’ll find clear, pleasant – and persistent – exchanges between parent and child.
Rav Yaakovson takes this one step further. The Chinuch with Persistence approach will allow for less disciplinary action in the home. A parent won’t need to resort to punishments too fast. A parent’s clear, albeit repeated instruction, will be accepted by the child and peace will reign.
You will watch your confidence and stability overflow and make its way to your children. They will take on an air of “I can do this” and “We can enjoy this time together.”
Ma Weinberg is relying on her eighth-grader, Sheva, to babysit. Mrs. Weinberg will be attending a wedding in Williamsburg, which means she’ll be back late. Sheva’s chevrah is planning a grand sleepover, and she’s super-whiny about missing it.
Ma says lovingly, “Shev, I understand that you are disappointed. You knew I’d need babysitting tonight for a while already. I am relying on you.”
Ma exudes patience and calm amidst the storm that follows, appreciating that Shev will turn around, which she does.
We can make that change in our parenting. We can find the strength within to step out of high-strung scenarios and re-enter as composed and refreshed mothers. We can exude calmness as we state what we need to see. We are patient enough to repeat that instruction with pleasantness and calm.
Gentle guidance will allow for children to be emotionally aware of their surroundings. They will aim to please and the results will be enjoyable for all. The power struggles will diminish, losing their luster, allowing for peaceable interactions to take their stead.